My Crappy, Bitter, Onion Style News Headlines
Bar Patron Smoking Cigarette Outside Strikes Up Conversation With Other Smoker About Smoking Laws. It's fucked up, we both agreed, it's stupid, I mean you used to be able to smoke anywhere, you could smoke on an airplane, I think you could smoke in fuckin' hospitals. And who cares about smoke in a bar, that's what it's there for, for the freedom to go out, drink and smoke, if you got a problem with it YOU should go outside, or start smoking. I smoke so much, I love to talk about how much I smoke like it's MORE than other smokers or other smokers in the past and they usually say how much THEY smoke and it's usually pretty similar, amount wise, but that doesn't stop me from going around telling, almost bragging, how much I smoke, like it's unique and shocking and I should receive attention like "awh you should smoke less it's not good" and then I get to, you know...respond... smokers are cool people man, we unite, give eachother fire...borrow cigs, I think the world can use a little more of that in it...fuck Gulliani dude... can't smoke inside, I remember you used to be able to, oh I already said that...
Part Time Waitress Takes Crack At Painting After Marijuana Session With Long Time Boyfriend. It was so much fun, I totally forgot about just like setting up a canvas and painting. I had such a good time. It was so relaxing, I think I needed that, it was like a creative outlet, I just painted a buncha stuff, a land scape, then I painted over that, it god kinda muddy, the colors because I kept just painting over it, but that's the genius of painting.
Easy-Going Grad Student Reaches Maximum Personal Happiness Through Karaoke 80's Classics. I wanted to ask this girl out and she wrote me on myspace before I even had a chance, so I wrote her back, 'we should hang out' and she wrote back 'let's do karaoke, I love that Tiffany song I Think We're Alone Now' and so we went and it was amazing man, I mean I sung Duran Duran, and Boy George, I love 80's music and I don't think anything in the world in my life will get any more intense exciting fun amazing mentally stimulating as that experience, if you ever wanna successful date, do 80's karaoke, everyone loves it, and if they don't that's their problem they're weird, they're not for you anyways, later.
Angry Video Game Fanatic Doesn't Want To Be Mentioned In Same Sentence As Gamers Who Simply Upgrade Madden Versions Each Year. I'm thirty years old okay, I grew up on Atari and now I got some little shit telling me he's a game-head because he has madden '05, '06, '07 and can't wait for '08... try playing Final Crystal Quest 6 for three months only to have your game accidently be erased okay buddy then get back to me.
Investigators, Lawyers, Family Take Time Deciding What To Do With Really Hot Dead Lady's Body. She was just so hot, we didn't wanna just bury her, besides we wanted to give people a chance to talk about how they knew her before she was dead and stuff...you know so we could imagine her having sex with them and how hot she was.
Hair Stylist Persuades Client To Take Yoga Class. He just kept pressing it and pressing it, it was like it was magic, all the shit he claimed it did for him, "aligned his spine" what the fuck does that even mean, I mean aren't our spines sorta aligned from the get go, isn't that the whole idea of the spine? I don't see how stretching is gonna get "work my whole body" I just want more muscular legs, and how it can help "me come up with all the answers I've been asking teh universe" or "probably help get rid of my acne" or "make me not have asthma anymore" but whatever I fuckin' signed up for a class, fifty bucks for an hour! it better be good.
Real Life Stalker Calls Out Self-Proclaimed 4,768,542 MySpace Stalkers As Phonies. Yeah, I sit outside people's houses...I get their phone numbers, whether they give it to me or want me to have it or not...and I call those phone numbers...at awkward times where I either hang up, let it go to voice mail wait till the beep wait...wait... then hang up without leaving a message so it's just noise and stuff that they get as a message, or you know I call, and use a disguised voice or something, whatever man - I'm free like a bird, whatever I feel like doing, I do...I get an impulse to let a girl leave her apartment and I decide to follow her, or maybe I just stay planted and draw a picture of her, waiting for her to get back, whatever I'm feeling at the moment I DO... but these people on myspace man, calling themselves "stalkers" for looking at someone they know's web page... come on, I mean saying that's stalking, might as well call it 'rape'... you know calling yourself a stalker for browsing the world wide web, you know next time I look at someone's profile i'm gonna say 'I lynched a black man, raped a kid, then sold the kid to an underground market to Arabs' and then the other person's gonna say 'you did WHAT!?' and I say 'I looked at this girl's web page that she intended for people to see, that I haven't spoken to in a while, that I really might still like and am curious about' adn their gonna say 'you're weird' and I'm gonna say 'yeah well learn the meaning of the word stalker you fuckin' pussy, go watch Gray's anatomy, use your cell phone and listen to your itunes, go buy another burberry item you fuckin' boring empty piece of shit.'
New York Times Writer Michael Kimmelman Apologizes for Writing 'Matthew Barney is the Most Important American Artist of His Generation.' Yeah, I don't know if I was joking, I was really stoned with some friends, or I'm just an idiot, I sorta forget even saying it, I mean maybe I was trynig to create art, or maybe, hmm maybe no one knows who I am and if I said it, my name would be 'out there' more, or maybe I got paid to say it, I honestly can't remember.
High School Passenger Embarrassed By Driver's Choice In Music. So I'm cruising through the mall parking lot and Garrett fuckin' turns up this bullshit radio rap song, I hate the shit rap they play on the radio, it was like you know all typical hard core current "rollin' VIP up in da club, pressin' up ta holla girl, I'ma rememba you!" bullshit and my seat was all pushed fowards and up because people were crunched in the back seat, so I was just all stiff sitting there on display for everyone to stare a my face, since it was practially out the window, sitting so up and foward and I just said 'jesus man turn this shit off, or atleast turn it DOWN...'
Fashion Model Gets Stuff For Free I got like a four thousand dollar marc by marc jacobs coat for FREE dollars. I mean what else are they gonna do with it? It was fitted for me... I wore it for like eight seconds and they were like "here, it's yours" and, I mean, yeah, I didn't get paid for the job to stand there for eight hours, but I got a lot of free stuff, like that jacket, and I got some pretty cool boots, I don't know if I'm gonna wear them they might be too gay... their like all futuristic or something and then when I was leaving I got a gift bag and it was full of keihl's products, and then everyone was going to this after party and the bouncer told me to wait a second and I was standing there, then this other little dude comes out and says "come on... you don't have to pay" and I didn't even know that guy, but I think he knew some of the other models... so anyways I get in for free, i get a free vodka and tonic right when I walk in the place, and then I saw this kid I sorta know and he said he had to wait onlines and it was like forty bucks just to get in and I said "I got in for free" and he said "how" and I said "I knew somebody" and I felt kinda bad saying that becasue technically I didn't KNOW anybody... but in that situation I think that's what you're supposed to say, I mean I DID get in for free, and it was becasue that guy knew some of the other people I sorta knew or saw that day, so I didn't actually KNOW anyone, but - you know thinking back I hope that kid wasn't saddened by me saying "I knew somebody" and felt all inferior and thought "I wish I knew somebody" and went home feeling all lesser and not as cool... anyways afterwards me and a bunch of friends got stoned and watched "The Elephant Man" god that movie is so sad, I mean that that's the society we live in...I could totally relate how everything is based on looks and superficial shit, it's so sad, our society.
Twenty Three Year Old Girl Leaves One Dollar Tip On Thirteen Dollar Bar Tab. I had two drinks, I left a dollar, it's not like the bar tender had to do anything, she just brought over two drinks. My friend said I should have left two dollars because twenty percent of thirteen dollars would have been two dollars and sixty cents, but, honestly, it's not like the bar tender did anything and yeah I work hard too okay, I work hard for my money, and I gave her a dollar, she shouldn't complain about a dollar, I wish someone just gave me a dollar and it's not like she did anything, I mean if everyone gave her a dollar, she'd have a LOT of dollars. Whatever and yeah it would have killed me to leave two dollars because it's not like she did anything. If it was like some big meal, yeah...
Part Time Waitress Takes Crack At Painting After Marijuana Session With Long Time Boyfriend. It was so much fun, I totally forgot about just like setting up a canvas and painting. I had such a good time. It was so relaxing, I think I needed that, it was like a creative outlet, I just painted a buncha stuff, a land scape, then I painted over that, it god kinda muddy, the colors because I kept just painting over it, but that's the genius of painting.
Easy-Going Grad Student Reaches Maximum Personal Happiness Through Karaoke 80's Classics. I wanted to ask this girl out and she wrote me on myspace before I even had a chance, so I wrote her back, 'we should hang out' and she wrote back 'let's do karaoke, I love that Tiffany song I Think We're Alone Now' and so we went and it was amazing man, I mean I sung Duran Duran, and Boy George, I love 80's music and I don't think anything in the world in my life will get any more intense exciting fun amazing mentally stimulating as that experience, if you ever wanna successful date, do 80's karaoke, everyone loves it, and if they don't that's their problem they're weird, they're not for you anyways, later.
Angry Video Game Fanatic Doesn't Want To Be Mentioned In Same Sentence As Gamers Who Simply Upgrade Madden Versions Each Year. I'm thirty years old okay, I grew up on Atari and now I got some little shit telling me he's a game-head because he has madden '05, '06, '07 and can't wait for '08... try playing Final Crystal Quest 6 for three months only to have your game accidently be erased okay buddy then get back to me.
Investigators, Lawyers, Family Take Time Deciding What To Do With Really Hot Dead Lady's Body. She was just so hot, we didn't wanna just bury her, besides we wanted to give people a chance to talk about how they knew her before she was dead and stuff...you know so we could imagine her having sex with them and how hot she was.
Hair Stylist Persuades Client To Take Yoga Class. He just kept pressing it and pressing it, it was like it was magic, all the shit he claimed it did for him, "aligned his spine" what the fuck does that even mean, I mean aren't our spines sorta aligned from the get go, isn't that the whole idea of the spine? I don't see how stretching is gonna get "work my whole body" I just want more muscular legs, and how it can help "me come up with all the answers I've been asking teh universe" or "probably help get rid of my acne" or "make me not have asthma anymore" but whatever I fuckin' signed up for a class, fifty bucks for an hour! it better be good.
Real Life Stalker Calls Out Self-Proclaimed 4,768,542 MySpace Stalkers As Phonies. Yeah, I sit outside people's houses...I get their phone numbers, whether they give it to me or want me to have it or not...and I call those phone numbers...at awkward times where I either hang up, let it go to voice mail wait till the beep wait...wait... then hang up without leaving a message so it's just noise and stuff that they get as a message, or you know I call, and use a disguised voice or something, whatever man - I'm free like a bird, whatever I feel like doing, I do...I get an impulse to let a girl leave her apartment and I decide to follow her, or maybe I just stay planted and draw a picture of her, waiting for her to get back, whatever I'm feeling at the moment I DO... but these people on myspace man, calling themselves "stalkers" for looking at someone they know's web page... come on, I mean saying that's stalking, might as well call it 'rape'... you know calling yourself a stalker for browsing the world wide web, you know next time I look at someone's profile i'm gonna say 'I lynched a black man, raped a kid, then sold the kid to an underground market to Arabs' and then the other person's gonna say 'you did WHAT!?' and I say 'I looked at this girl's web page that she intended for people to see, that I haven't spoken to in a while, that I really might still like and am curious about' adn their gonna say 'you're weird' and I'm gonna say 'yeah well learn the meaning of the word stalker you fuckin' pussy, go watch Gray's anatomy, use your cell phone and listen to your itunes, go buy another burberry item you fuckin' boring empty piece of shit.'
New York Times Writer Michael Kimmelman Apologizes for Writing 'Matthew Barney is the Most Important American Artist of His Generation.' Yeah, I don't know if I was joking, I was really stoned with some friends, or I'm just an idiot, I sorta forget even saying it, I mean maybe I was trynig to create art, or maybe, hmm maybe no one knows who I am and if I said it, my name would be 'out there' more, or maybe I got paid to say it, I honestly can't remember.
High School Passenger Embarrassed By Driver's Choice In Music. So I'm cruising through the mall parking lot and Garrett fuckin' turns up this bullshit radio rap song, I hate the shit rap they play on the radio, it was like you know all typical hard core current "rollin' VIP up in da club, pressin' up ta holla girl, I'ma rememba you!" bullshit and my seat was all pushed fowards and up because people were crunched in the back seat, so I was just all stiff sitting there on display for everyone to stare a my face, since it was practially out the window, sitting so up and foward and I just said 'jesus man turn this shit off, or atleast turn it DOWN...'
Fashion Model Gets Stuff For Free I got like a four thousand dollar marc by marc jacobs coat for FREE dollars. I mean what else are they gonna do with it? It was fitted for me... I wore it for like eight seconds and they were like "here, it's yours" and, I mean, yeah, I didn't get paid for the job to stand there for eight hours, but I got a lot of free stuff, like that jacket, and I got some pretty cool boots, I don't know if I'm gonna wear them they might be too gay... their like all futuristic or something and then when I was leaving I got a gift bag and it was full of keihl's products, and then everyone was going to this after party and the bouncer told me to wait a second and I was standing there, then this other little dude comes out and says "come on... you don't have to pay" and I didn't even know that guy, but I think he knew some of the other models... so anyways I get in for free, i get a free vodka and tonic right when I walk in the place, and then I saw this kid I sorta know and he said he had to wait onlines and it was like forty bucks just to get in and I said "I got in for free" and he said "how" and I said "I knew somebody" and I felt kinda bad saying that becasue technically I didn't KNOW anybody... but in that situation I think that's what you're supposed to say, I mean I DID get in for free, and it was becasue that guy knew some of the other people I sorta knew or saw that day, so I didn't actually KNOW anyone, but - you know thinking back I hope that kid wasn't saddened by me saying "I knew somebody" and felt all inferior and thought "I wish I knew somebody" and went home feeling all lesser and not as cool... anyways afterwards me and a bunch of friends got stoned and watched "The Elephant Man" god that movie is so sad, I mean that that's the society we live in...I could totally relate how everything is based on looks and superficial shit, it's so sad, our society.
Twenty Three Year Old Girl Leaves One Dollar Tip On Thirteen Dollar Bar Tab. I had two drinks, I left a dollar, it's not like the bar tender had to do anything, she just brought over two drinks. My friend said I should have left two dollars because twenty percent of thirteen dollars would have been two dollars and sixty cents, but, honestly, it's not like the bar tender did anything and yeah I work hard too okay, I work hard for my money, and I gave her a dollar, she shouldn't complain about a dollar, I wish someone just gave me a dollar and it's not like she did anything, I mean if everyone gave her a dollar, she'd have a LOT of dollars. Whatever and yeah it would have killed me to leave two dollars because it's not like she did anything. If it was like some big meal, yeah...
Labels: 80's music, karaoke, madden, marijuana, myspace, painting, smoking laws, stalker
posted by brandon pines at 2:36 PM
3 comments
