Master Ling

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North Carolina Comedian, Billy Bob Woods!

Transcribed October 20th, 2002, Giggle Tank, North Carolina

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, a very funny man...North Carolina's own... Billy Bob Woods!

What’s up North Carolina? Yeaah. Why is there a North and a South Carolina? You think they did that just to cause bullshit? Because you know we were both gonna wonder about the other one. Growing up, I had to go check it out. The pizza’s cheap as hell down in South Carolina... They eat some weird food. People are messed up over there. Theeeyyy talllllkkk laaaahk theeeeiiiiissss. Haha, yeeaaah. People in North Carolina sit in their rocking chairs like this... nice and slooowww. People in South Carolina sit in their rocking chairs like this...only half way back, haha yeeaaahh. And the people who aren’t laughin’, probably are from South Carolina. Like this guy up in the front. You look like you’re from South Carolina. How long have you two been together? Yeah you’re definitely from South Carolina. Everybody has a mullet in South Carolina. Every, body. Not just the men, like in North Carolina. Yeeaah, you know what I’m talking about... They love to drive reeaal slow too, they think it saves gas. People from South Carolina still fish with worms haha, yeaah, they just don't got the luers we got up here. By a show of hands, who here has ever dated someone from South Carolina? The two people in the waaayyy back, you people trying to hide out. They get physical when they argue don’t they? I see you laughing back there. People from South Carolina get physical but they're as intimidating as a Hari Christna in a wheel chair...haha, they're threatening like an Asian midget... haha...I’m sure as hell glad I was born in NORTH Carolina. I wonder if people in Virginia hate the mother fuckers in West Virignia. Or what about the Dakota’s...We have got to kill these South Dakota mothafuckers. Haha- hey, that’s my time, you guys have been great. Before I go I wanna leave you with this...And during the next comedian, don’t laugh, just keep thinking about this... Everybody knows Raliegh is the capital of North Carolina...but what the hell is the capital of South Carolina? I even looked it up on the internet, atlases, history books...no body knows. Haha, you guys drive home safe. Watch out for the South Caroliners, South Carolinians, South Carolines, shit, I don’t even know what they call themselves.

Jackass the book!

From the producers of Jack Ass the television show, and “Jackass the movie, stuff you wont see on tv” bring you Jackass the book.
excerpts:
(p.7)
"WHoooahoo hooaa, Johnny Knoxville is gonna get hurt, he is about to jump a bike over a..."
(continued on p.8)
"...parking lot cement thing, right next to a lake. He is crazy, Oh my god, no... oh man, he got messed up!"
And much more fearless stupidity!
(p.24)
"He’ll never make it across that egg shooting range without getting an egg shot up his ass..."
(p.25 image of egg, continued on p. 26)
..."Oh man, Johnny Knoxville HAHAHAHA!"
Now, Jackass the book brings you stuff too hot for even the movie. So much that we were asked to take it to paper form and put it in the written word! The only way to digest stuff this extreme!

An Interview with Wesley Snipes (Always Bet on Black)

Wesley Snipes: Yeesssss...
Brandon Allan Pines: So what's goin' on?
WS: What’s going on in the world today? Crazy stuff, huh...I’ll take it!...
BP: Yeah, I don't know what to make of it, although I'm not sure if this is anything new...
WS: Met ship muundaba, wee ba, knock kal fubah. The enemy has advanced!
BP: What enemy? Which enemy has advanced?
WS: Not now! Not this enemy!...What time is it??
BP: It's uh...9:26pm in New York...
WS: Show time!...Haha-yyeeeaaahhh.
BP: Okay...
WS: We are prepared and we will conquer. The fire wall will be broken! And I will lead!
BP: Are you talking about scientology?
WS: Enough... (long pause, then slight laughter) ...My army can not be defeated. I am here, I am the one. If I maintain my diet, and excersise routine my doctor says I can live until I’m two hundred.
BP: Mr. Snipes?
WS: Lemme plug real fast - you can catch me next thursday in Miami, Florida, I’m going down to South Beach to club Liquid, with my friends Toby Maguire and Leonardo Dicaprio...(heavy breathing) I have to rest now, pick up my dogs from the vet, then oil myself up and spend some time on my new techno music album. I’m sure I can trust you to not to get in my way.

"Athletes and Their Tattoos?" (Introducing Bruce DeWith)

Hey Gang! My sources got close enough to the players to take some pictures - and I got to put them all together in the lab...they are creative and unique... personal... let's take a look shall we?

He must love birds! I bet he knew people who died in 9/11 and he was PISSED enough to get that drawn on his chubby little pig arm! For life! To get revenge and remember that buildings were blown up in AMERICA!

Here's one with a hidden meaning...Shaq calls himself Shaq Diesel, meaning big or something! and Superman meaning HE'S THE BEST ... not the other people with Superman tattoos or tattoos that may say "I AM THE BEST" or "HEY! I'M # 1" but he is saying "I AM" with this Superman tattoo... but I wonder, can he...you know, like Superman? is he as good in bed? or is he just a Clark Kent?

Now heres one that takes a bit of explaining! Tupac who is DEAD and I AM ALIVE! BRUCE DEWITH IS ALIVE AND 2 PAC IS DEAD! I LIVE!... 2 Pac had a catchy chart topper "All Eyez on Me" spelled with a "z" because he was from the hip hop world where people spell things differently, like little kids, dress like little kids and act like little kids, but if you say anything, they'll get MAD, trust me! (I had to do a source awards one time, for bet.com) so this guy spelled it with an "S" I guess college PAID OFF, enough for him to get a giant tattoo quoting a 2pac song on his back for life.. and what it means is "HEY EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME!"

This one has to be a personal FAV. He's got barbed wire around his bicep like a little design! hello? Who would ever think of using BARBED WIRE as a little artsy border pattern!?? He must be TOUGH right? If he's willing to get that close to barbed wire! He's saying I'M ROUGH STAND BACK! I AM BARBED WIRE, I'LL HURT YOU, (Barbed wire is used to keep people in or out from a certain area. Webster Dictionary 1994 @) And he's got the AMERICAN EAGLE!!! Something tells me, and it's NOT MY SOURCES this time, that this guy got this American tribute on September 12th 2001, or some day after September 11th, I say after because I'm guessing the tattoo places were closed that day, or he didn't have time to know it was terrorism yet, or know anything until the news TOLD HIM what happened, and then maybe a few months later him and his wife talked about it and decided he had to do something to support America in killing of other people. Well let me tell you, along with the barbedwire, IT WORKS, I'm not messing with with this guy!

Ah this one is fabulous. It looks like from what I can see, a tribute to a DEAD BABY, a cartoon dead baby drawn on his arm, so he will remember that little dead baby forever...also writing on his FOREARM! MYSTERIOUS! I BET it has something to do with the BIBLE because I can make out the word "God".... atheltes believe God gives them "the strength" but this guy WROTE A VIGNETTE, I bet it's taken from THE BIBLE! and he's a religious man... saying "HEY! IF YOU DIE AND I KNOW YOU, I'LL REMEMBER YOU FOREVER BY PUTTING A CARTOON VERSION OF YOU WHEN YOU DIED ON ME IN PERMANENT POISONOUS INK and then I'LL WRITE STUFF I BELIEVE IN FROM BEING TOLD BY MY PARENTS AND SCHOOL TEACHERS AND LOCAL RELIGIOUS PLACE ON MY SKIN AS WELL to get the full amazing package!" An "A plus" on that guy! or should I just give him the "plus" sign which looks like just a cross!

I can't heeeeeeaaaarrrr yoouuuu!!??? My sources didn't get the lighting right in this one... Sorry gang I just can't see what is permanently written on this guys arm, oh well...

Ah this fella has the SUN and some little old people from Africa! The sun is an important thing! It gives us heat and light, we literally revolve around it! I know I'm thinking the same thing, heat and light... revolve around it and it's NOT Paris Hilton... But in the OLD DAYS Egyptians really loved the sun, it was like their... Johnny Depp! And some African American people really get into old Egypt and change their name or get things written on them to say "HEY IM NOT JUST A TYPICAL AFRICAN AMERICAN! I AM INTO EGYPT, 'INTO' PROBABLY MEANING I BELIEVE WE ALL COME FROM THERE ON SOME LEVEL OR SOMETHING, BUT WHEN I SAY 'WE ALL' I GET MAD WHEN WHITE PEOPLE ARE INCLUDED BUT I WILL STILL SAY 'WE ALL' BECAUSE TECHNICALLY I HAVE TO IF MY WHOLE EGYPT THEORY IS TRUE, BUT STILL I - I AM IN THE CLOSET ABOUT WHITES NOT COMING FROM THERE, IM SERIOUS, I WONT LET THEM CLAIM IT, BUT SURE I'LL MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY ARE PART OF MY TEAM, BUT AS SOON AS THERE AREN'T ANY WHITES AROUND, I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I DIDN'T MEAN THEM AS INCLUDED IN 'WE ALL COME FROM EGYPT'!

Woooah woooah woooah I'm on FIRE, somebody put me out! Flames! Where are they coming from? Where are they going? THIS guy is saying "HEY... I'm FIRE, I'm tough and hard to deal with, I'll burn you, I'm a mean guy, probably not really mean, but I'm fast and crazy, I live life a little more wild than say a priest or something!"
Another dead baby cartoon, DON'T FUCK WITH MY MEMORY OF A DEAD BABY PAL! 1986 - 1989! was more 3 years than you'll ever have! And I waited until probably the mid 90's to get it... SO WHAT!?

He LOVES doing this pose, and I'm sure he knows what those words mean!

This one is unique! a cross with wings, it must be religious symbolism, a metaphor or something, that is personal to him. Wings are usually associated with a bird, or flying. And a cross usually means the death of a Jewish man named Jesus who has become a religious figure. It can also mean "Germany"...If it's the relgious take on it, he's saying "HEY, I AM RELIGIOUS, JUST LETTING YOU KNOW I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT, BUT I BELIEVE IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO HAVE SEX WITH PROSTITUES AND SLUTS AND RANDOM CHICKS, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT I THINK THE BIBLE IS SERIOUS!" Judging by the placing of it, he was probably betting "I'll never have to get a real job because if I do, with this tatoo, I'm fucked!"

WELL GANG there you have it! The sources that I have, that talk to me, they call me, talk to me, they got CLOSE to the play to grab you these ACTION SHOTS of your favorite young good looking celebrities, that you want to KNOW MORE ABOUT THEIR PERSONAL LIVES and who are famous from playing SPORTS!
May the Bruce De With you!

-Bruce Dewith (Gathering Media Freelance Solutions Systems Liason for MSN.com and CNN.com)

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